Lean, but expensive and painful
On one of our beautiful days awhile back I decided to do a little grilling. The night before, I went out to the garage freezer and took out some venison back loins and let them thaw out overnight. The loins were from my son Rich’s nice ten pointer that he shot on opening day of the 2011 gun season. As I carried the loins into the house, I had an ear to ear grin on my face just recalling that great day when two fantasies were fulfilled, my sons and mine.
When my wife, Robin, got home from work I announced loudly that we were going to have some “high speed beef” on the grill tonight. Robin stopped in her tracks and said “you mean high priced beef” and continued on into our bedroom to change her clothes. I am not the brightest bulb in the box, but that comment from her should have set off some alarms in my head.
I thought to myself, how could she say that?...because we didn’t buy this meat from the store)… I presumed she had a rough day at work and continued out to the grill with the “free” venison on the platter. Now in the past, when I grill, my wife usually leaves me alone, but this day I found her looking over my shoulder and coaching the daylights out of me. I looked at her and said “I got it!” Robin turned and said “Don’t overcook them” and went into the house. Another alarm moment that I missed. When the steaks were done, I proudly brought them into the house and set them in the middle of the table. My two sons, Tyler and Rich began to relive the day and season that this fine animal had given us, especially the Free, Lean and High Quality Fare that we were enjoying tremendously. Robin sat quietly and my daughter, Savannah just shook her head and said that we were acting like little boys. I sometimes have a habit of going overboard, which of course I did on this occasion. I looked at my wife and said “Where else could you get this fine quality of meat for absolutely free?” Robin calmly set down her fork, looked at me and said “Really?!” When she got up from the table and said she would be right back, the alarms were going full force in my brain.
Robin returned with a notepad that was already filled out and a hand full of credit card receipts organized and stapled together in different groups. She sat down and asked us if we were enjoying our very “cheap” steaks…
We all said yes. (My yes was said very sheepishly) “I hope so” she said, “because my calculations show that your venison “Rich” from last year’s hunt cost us about $82 per pound!” Around the table eyes and mouths were open wide. On my particular body something closed very tight
Something inside me kept telling me to be very quiet, but I couldn’t help myself and said “That can’t be right.” I knew immediately that I had played right into Robin’s hand. She got an ear to ear grin that put my earlier one to shame. She began to present her case, which would have made Perry Mason proud! Her opening remark was that she had the facts and proof to back up her claim on the price of the venison. She looked at me and said “remember the credit card I gave you to use in August and told you to use strictly for hunting purposes?” I knew now that I had been entrapped and set up. (At the time when she gave me the card, I thought “what an awesome wife”) I figured I better go on the offense and told her that I hadn’t used the card in months, and she could have it back. She said “no need, I took it out of your wallet in December.” Robin then looked at the notepad and said if I had any questions, she had receipts. Believe me, I had no questions.
Robin is the type of positive person that delivers bad news proceeded by an upbeat remark. For example, it started this way. “I’m glad you and the boys got to spend 15 occasions together over the hunting season this year. At $100 a round trip in gas, you spent about $1500. It’s not your fault the license fees are so high, and I’m glad you bought Rich his tag, but your patrons license is $165 and the sports and archery licenses are $170.
(OK...I saw where this was headed so I started my rebuttal) I said “We do stay with my parents, so room and board is taken care of Grandma and Grandpa.” I then got the dreaded look, which for me means sit still and shut up. She went back to the notebook and declared that “The Corner Pump”, which is a convenience store and gas station by my parent’s home in Friendship collected $660 from us. She said “I imagine that was for beer, soda, and munchies… right? not to mention the bill from Pick and Save for the meals I prepare to feed the crew?” This woman knows me well. Robin then asked me a question. She asked if Diamond Jim’s was the bar that I took her to after a day of fine fishing in Adams, some years ago…and said they too had collected $200. (grin) She went on to say that archery equipment is expensive and hunting items wear out and need to be replaced and updated. I was going down for the count so I just asked… “What are the damages?”
In the distance I heard “West Town Archery $280, Cabellas $350, ….” She then quietly said “The $69 oil change on the truck would have needed to be done anyway” ~
I was just starting to catch my breath when she held up a lone receipt. She said she had figured out the other items fairly early but this last one puzzled her. I could tell by the twinkle in her eye that she had figured it out! It was a$100 receipt from “Chubbys”. Both of my adult sons quickly jabbed the last piece of steak into their mouths and fled from the table. Savannah looked at me innocently and asked if I was alright because I was such a bright red color. I told her I was fine, and then looked at my wife and asked her if I was fine… ~ Robin laughed, gave me big kiss and said “Your hunting is still cheaper than therapy!
The final tally for my 2011 hunting season was thousands of dollars. To spend quality time with the boys and create life long memories, I think I got off pretty cheap.
I was advised by my wife however that the bill better be $100 cheaper next year, or I will not be “fine”!